beginning in the middle

by nicole…..

Dreams:

I knew that I only had a certain number of “expirations”. You never know how many you have, but it’s finite. Once you’ve reached your last expiration, your body makes a popping sound and after a short period of time melts into a puddle.  And that’s it, then you’re gone.

So I heard a popping sound and said to the guy nearest me, “Tell my children I love them so much, and my husband”.  And then I melted into nothingness.

I was floating around with no control of my movements. There were loud, shrill voices and some shouting and it was hot and crowded and oppressive. There were a ton of people, without bodies, squashed into something very small. “Where are we?” I asked. “Apparently we’re in an eye,” someone responded.

And then I started to panic. Is this eternity? Crushed in this small space with these loud voices that you can’t escape. No way out? Ever?

That was my dream from September 1st. Total loss of control in an environment that is not tolerable for long, with people who, in the best of circumstances, would drive me mad. There’s something about this dream, something about the eye,  but also about the people I would spend eternity with, and of course, there’s the obvious lack of control in my environment. 

Curiosity and Fear:

I am curious about how many of us are afraid and to what degree.  Are those that are more afraid, have more things to be afraid of, will they take longer to recover? Will they suffer more post traumatic stress disorder?

If you count a point towards each fear factor, how many do you have? 

Obviously these fears are not all equal. 

Some of them hit our conscious brains, and we shout and vent and laugh about the craziness of it all and aren’t we so mad that all of this is happening and What an Idiot he is?

Then there are the fears that nibble away at our basic animal instincts, hunger, home, providing for family, fires, smoke, air quality. Those people who worry about their next meal or where they will sleep tonight. 

For those of us who are sickened and furious and saddened by 3 1/2 years of Trump, how much of this has created an enormous fear that darkness can come so easily and quickly, not just sneaking in when no one was looking, but stomping in and announcing himself and undoing so much good.  I live by the feeling that GOOD will prevail. I worry that my core, the place that all of my thoughts and feelings come from, has been damaged. That not just one man can come in and change so much, affect so many people, but that so many others will follow and believe such insidiousness.  How can I believe that humans are essentially good, when I’ve seen all that has happened, can happen. Will I be able to retain and/or regain my view of the world?

And what about the fires? The smoke? The air quality has been so bad these past 5 days that they recommend you don’t go outside. So not only do we have to stay away from people, but now, even with a mask, we can no longer go outside? What next? Water contamination? 

Moving Forward:

I’m not gloom and doom, and I don’t think or feel that way, but I do wonder how much of my subconscious is taking this all in and starting to sound red warning alarms. I wonder if the animal part of me is in full panic.

I know that the conscious part of me is mostly optimistic. I believe in the kindness of people and see it on a regular basis. And more than anything, I am grateful many times a day for everyone who is putting themselves out there to make others’ lives easier. 

I see it. I see the goodness even though it doesn’t have a podium and a microphone. And even though it is not acknowledged, I hear the whispers of daily goodness everywhere. Kindness itself IS making a difference. Do not berate yourself for not doing enough.  Get through this. Do what you can. 

Kindness, Empathy, Compassion and Tolerance.